The Five Love Languages

Easier said than done? Studies show that the “in-love” experience, the euphoric obsession that leads most of us to marriage, lasts only about two years. Eventually, writes marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., “we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened and we see the warts of the other person. Her endearing ‘quirks’ are now merely annoying. His sharp sense of humor now wounds. Those little bumps we overlook when we are in love now become huge mountains.”

And then the real work must begin. Chapman is the author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts (Northfield Publishing, 2015), a slim, 200-page easy read that you can find in the Parent Resource Library at Oakcrest. Chapman lays out a practical and useful blueprint for couples seeking an expanded sense of connection, improved communication, better understanding, and as a result, greater romance. After decades of helping married couples, he pieced together five “emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand emotional love” and as a result feel treasured and secure.

The first of the five “languages,” words of affirmation, could include compliments, encouragement, kind remarks and humble words. Quality time includes focused attention (smartphones and newspapers down), meaningful conversation, quality activities. Receiving gifts could include items purchased, found in nature, or gift of self, such as physical presence in trying times. By acts of service he means “doing things you know your spouse would like you to do,” such as chores, errands, paperwork. Physical touch, simple as a hand on a shoulder or a hug, is the fifth. If you don’t know your primary love language, his and her quizzes are included.

Love is a choice, not a feeling, Chapman points out, and absorption of that concept takes time. His book makes it easier.

It’s a simple and clear blueprint, sharing stories of couples from his practice who were struggling mildly to severely in their marriages, sometimes despite what they considered their best efforts and sometimes not. Through counseling he helped them determine their love languages by reflecting on what they had originally admired in the other, what causes joy, what causes pain. Some had been married for only a few years, others for decades. In many cases, once wives and husbands understood that what makes their spouse feel love doesn’t match what makes them feel fulfilled, and homed in on the correct approach, the results were dramatically life changing. For these couples, to quote Robert Browning, The lark's on the wing/The snail's on the thorn/God's in his heaven—All's right with the world!