The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful: the Joys and Struggles of Real Married Life

“And the two shall become one.”  We (Kate and Jerry) adopted this Bible verse even before we were married. We even have it inscribed in our wedding rings. It sounded so romantic.  Eventually Kate realized her understanding of this phrase was that “Jerry shall become just like me!”  We’re fairly sure that’s not what Jesus meant.

Besides the fact that this understanding runs counter to what a healthy marriage should be, it does not describe the typical trajectory when two individuals start living together for the first time after making their marriage vows.

We start our marriages very idealistic, and we should.  It is imperative that we have that foundation of joy to fall back on.  But are we prepared for the travails of the first baby, the influence of our parents-in-law, the loss of a job, your spouse’s peccadillos? 

Unfortunately, the magic of romantic love which brings a man and wife to the altar, and the idealism with which most marriages begin, does not come with a road map for how to achieve the lofty goal of “becoming one.” As the authors Edward and Beth Sri of the recently published book The Good, the Messy and the Beautiful: the Joys and Struggles of Real Married Life point out, “marriage is the only vocation in which people take a vow before any kind of novitiate.”

Edward ruefully describes the noble ideals with which he entered marriage, including helping his wife get to heaven. “I realized that the main way….I actually help Beth get to heaven is this: every day of her life, Beth has to deal with me!”

This lively book describes the practical living of the marriage vocation, starting with the decision to build a life together and supported by the daily commitment to be faithful to that decision. In the telling, it moves from the reality of the tensions, struggles and difficulties that most couples face at some points in their marriage relationship – “why is this so hard?” and “how did we ever reach this point?”– towards the greater love and lasting joy that await a couple when they grapple with and surmount the challenges of building a shared life. To drive different points home, both Edward and Beth often share the same anecdote from their individual perspectives. Along the way, hearts are stretched and expanded as the two truly do “become one.”

The initial few chapters, with heading such as “The Realities of Marriage” and “Back to the Garden: What We Really Long for in Marriage” set the stage for the practical advice contained in the middle chapters. That advice includes how to handle hurtful situations between spouses, how a spouse’s upbringing might impact his or her reactions, dealing with differences of temperament, personality and human nature, and the value of personal prayer to better see God’s face in one’s marriage.

Two final chapters summarize the key ideas of the entire book. “Beautiful Limitations” describes the paradox of surrendering one’s freedom which “might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but which love makes a positive, joyful and creative thing.” (St. John Paul II) “First Things First” talks about finding one’s purpose in marriage by considering it as a vocation and adventure. 

An appendix on marital intimacy supplies many wise and practical insights into this aspect of married life.  And at the end of each chapter there are a few questions to reflect on, helping you to make the book “your own”.

When Jerry is called upon to make a wedding toast, a typical theme he uses is how we need to find a spouse who has the humility to see the need for continual personal improvement. This book takes that advice and runs with it, supplying plenty of practical and prayerful considerations for spouses who are working to build a life together.